Archive for March 14th, 2007

I just got off the phone with eight other ed bloggers and Sen. Lamar Alexander about the America Competes Act. I’ll report tomorrow. My eyes hurt.

And in the spirit of American literature, I offer one of Mark Twain’s cruelest, funniest, and most dead-on accurate essays.

Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses
by Mark Twain

This started as a comment, on an article at Huffenglish, where Dana proposes an excellent idea:

On World Book Day in the UK (March 1, 2007), over 2000 Britons voted for the books they couldn’t live without.

I don’t remember any such research done for our own counterpart in America, Read Across America (March 2).

My list is too long for a comment, so I’m posting it here (and I hope Dana will see it). I didn’t just haphazardly toss together a list, though. Instead, I started from the title, "Books America can’t live without," and used it to restrict and define what would go in the list.

I’ve confined myself to American authors (others will add British authors, I’m sure — and it pains me greatly not to add Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness). I chose based on literary importance within the American literary canon (Dead white male alert!), and included historical documents every American should read.

I stayed away from the current, trendy authors, some of whom I would have gladly added in other circumstances, such as Toni Morrison; these days, everybody focuses on current authors, so they won’t be overlooked, I’m sure. I did not include one-hit wonders, like Alice Walker (though she falls in the trendy current author category, so I wouldn’t have included her anyway — and before somebody screams in protest, The Color Purple is a brilliant novel, but sorry, every word she has written other than that has been mediocre at best).

Speaking of one-hit wonders, some authors are prolific, but have only two or three works that stand head and shoulders above everything else they wrote. Other authors wrote quite a few literary masterpieces — these are the authors that when you list them make you think, "So which novels do I include, and which do I leave out?" William Faulkner and Mark Twain would be examples of the latter.

I made a conscious attempt to include authors who have fallen out of favor in this PC read-only-oppressed-authors-no-matter-how-dreadful era, though only if they are historically important as literary figures. Actually, there are a large number of women authors on my list, believe it or not. You will notice that I included Eudora Welty, only because she is surely the most underappreciated genius of 20th century American literature.

I do not necessarily like all of the works I listed (I detest both Stephen Crane and James Fenimore Cooper, for example — God save us from Natty Bumpo! — and I abhor Walden) But they belong on the list, whether I like them or not, because of their importance to the American literary canon.

I did not include playwrights or poets (my, then we’d have a list, Sandburg, Dickinson, e.e. cummings, Frost, Emerson, the list goes on and on). I wasn’t going to include any non-fiction at all other than historical documents, but how do you compile a list of works America can’t live without and not include Paine, Thoreau or Emerson? So there are a few essays listed.

I tried to work backward chronologically. Of course, I’d suddenly remember something and put it in, so don’t expect an exact chronological list (I was thinking centuries, and not years, anyway). I ended with the historical documents.

And I’m sure this list will give away my age. Oh well. Also, I’m sure I’ve left many important titles off the list. Please comment if you have additions. The list is below the fold. Apologies if you’re offended that I didn’t italicize titles. It was way too much of a pain.

I would have crawled under a rock if my parents had put one of those “My Kid is an Honor Student!” bumperstickers on the car. I hate those more than even “Visualize World Peace” or “Free Tibet” bumperstickers.

Thanks to Born Again Redneck, I found this page of antidote bumperstickers. Some of them are fairly stupid, but there are a few funny ones:

  • My kid sells term papers to your honor student
  • If the kid is an honor student, he must not really be yours
  • My chihuahua is smarter than your honor student
  • My Marine can pick off your honor student at 500 yards
  • Your child may be an honor student, but you’re a moron

And I saw the perfect bumpersticker for anybody who lives in Bloomington, Indiana: “Forget word peace. Visualize using your turn signals.”

Happy Pi Day! (it’s March 14 — 3.14 — get it?)

From NYC:

March 6, 2007 — A renowned hedge-fund honcho hatched a heinous revenge plot against his former mistress by posing as her on the Internet - saying she wanted to be kidnapped and raped as part of a sicko sex fantasy, officials said yesterday.

Albert Hsu, 43, a wealthy, married dad of two and former Cub Scout leader, posted his fiendish ad on a hardcore, S&M Web site, Connecticut authorities said.

He allegedly included the woman’s name, photo, address, license-plate number, train schedule to and from work and even the rail car she usually sits in.

And I thought this kind of thing only happened on Law and Order. Hat tip to Ace, who lists several other disturbing crimes.

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