I was hungry and had to run to the store anyway, so I decided to lunch at the Wegman’s internet café. I was thinking a piece of pizza when I walked in, but the pizza did not look appetizing, so I headed for the Chinese buffet. The Chinese at Wegman’s is sad, but then, so is all the other Chinese we’ve had here, and I was hungry.
I have (along with several others) certain principles when it comes to Chinese food:
- Avoid anything red or orange
- Avoid anything with a thick, sticky-looking glaze
- Absolutely avoid anything red or orange with a thick, sticky-looking glaze
However, from time to time, I got into temporary brain death, as I did today. There was something called “Peking Pork” that was both red and coated in lots of thick, sticky glaze. As if I were being controlled by some alien entity, I took a little. Not a lot. But a little.
There was also something called “Mongolian Pork,” which didn’t look awful–and it was neither red, nor coated with a sticky cornstarch glaze. So I loaded up with Mongolian Pork.
I tasted it, and found it sweeter than I would have liked. I was rather disappointed, so I tried the red, sticky stuff. Fudge isn’t as sweet as this stuff. This “Peking Pork” gave “cloying” a whole new depth of meaning. Shuddering, I went back to the Mongolian Pork.
Guess what? It no longer tasted even vaguely sweet! So I stumbled upon The Secret, and I’ll share it with you:
- Find the reddest, stickiest looking item on the buffet (good bets are General Tso’s or Sesame Chicken, or Orange Anything). Take just enough for two or three bites.
- Get whatever else you want that doesn’t look sweet.
- Go back to table.
- Taste non-sweet-looking items. If they aren’t sweet, consider the red, sticky stuff an offering to the Chop Suey gods and continue eating. If they are sweet,
- Take a bite of the red, sticky item. Chew until you feel like you’re about to go into a sugar coma.
- Return to other items, and behold! they no longer taste sweet.
- If sweetness begins to creep back, repeat last two steps.
