Right Wing Nation

First published February 17:

I saw this over at Tim Blair’s blog yesterday and decided against posting about it, but it’s just so stupid, I have to. Warning: not work safe, but that’s not my fault!

Yes, believe it or not, there really is a website called treehugger.com, and it’s even nuttier than you think: How to Green Your Sex Life, by (I’m not making this up) Team Treehugger:

According to the Durex Global Sex Survey, 43% of Americans have used a vibrator. Dildos, vibrators, anal beads, cock rings, and the rest of the happy sex toy family can be thrilling and fulfilling, either alone or with a partner, but many store-bought sex toys contain, among other things, chemicals called phthalates, a substance used to soften hard plastics like PVC and provide that jelly feeling. There is quite a bit of concern about the toxicity and health risks of phthalates (in 2004, the EU banned a range of phthalates from children’s toys), especially in sex toys that are used in warm, moist places. One suspicious warning sign is the disclaimer you’ll find on most sex toy packages stating that the device within is for “novelty purposes only.” TreeHugger suggests playing it safe. Look for toys made from glass, metal, silicone, hard plastics, or elastomers. Putting a condom over a suspicious dildo is also a good move. If your sex toy of choice is a power tool, buy a rechargeable one or use your own rechargeable batteries. Rechargeable vibrating toys include the Aphrodite Wand, the Acuvibe, the Lily and Iris from Lelo, and toys from Fun Factory. Check out TreeHugger TV’s How to Buy a Green Sex Toy for more.

They worry about whether their sex toys are green? I had no idea sex toys could be green.

For safer, baby-free sex, nothing beats a latex condom. Vegans looking for a latex option (though derived from trees, most latex has a milk enzyme added) can check out Glyde condoms.

They worry about a milk enzyme? You’ve got to be kidding — particularly since there are other, far more important things to worry about, one would think.

Sexy play can be green and efficient as well. As seen on TreeHugger TV

Stop right there. I do not want to watch TreeHugger TV.

A nice bike ride for two is a fossil-fuel-free way to get the blood flowing

I swear, you can’t poke fun at these people — they do it by themselves. Such as:

Eco-undies

or:

There are some very strong rumors going around that vegetarians have the best tasting love juices

though I’d really rather not think about that. At all.

Nothing’s quite worse than meeting some really promising guy or girl and then realizing that he or she is an Escalade-driving, non-recycling, Earth fucker-upper. What are you going to do? Try to reform them? Sleep with them anyway and try to ignore their unconscious ways? Forget it. Go for the green lover. Farmers markets, your local Green Drinks, and a host of match-making sites (see below) can be great places to find that special tree hugger to hug.

You can’t make this shit up. And you can’t have ecomorons without doom-and-gloom end-of-the-world idiocy, especially idiocy that has no basis in reality:

Of course the biggest ecological impact resulting from sex is a baby. Human population is arguably the most threatening force on Earth, and with human population expected to reach 8.3 billion by 2030, reproducing is perhaps the largest impact any of us have.

Then there’s this (must have been added by an ecomoron from New Squealand):

Also, note: inflatable sheep can easily be repaired with a bicycle patch kit if popped.

So are there green/vegan/ecomoron rules about bestiality, you know, like the Ayatollah Khomeini’s rules? Wait. There wouldn’t be, since these people don’t eat meat (we won’t ask what they do to it after that last quotation), but how about tofu? I mean, if you have sex with a block of tofu, are you allowed to eat it afterwards, or do you have to do some kind of Mother Gaia interpretive dance first?

And this is, well, revealing:

Dildos are the new Tupperware. Get your friends together, get over your inhibitions, and trade ideas about healthy and eco-friendly sex and sex products.

Now we know what they do when they’re not screwing tofu. Or inflatable sheep. And did I mention they had a lot of useful links, like this one?

Veg Porn, an adult site dedicated to naked vegetarians

I’m quite sure I don’t want to go there.

And if you thirst for more information on moonbats, make sure you check out Vagina Lady (and no, I’m not making that up). Or if you have a really strong stomach, check out the photo essay of the naked tree-hugging activists in Berkeley.