Good morning, hillbilly mouth-breathers! How are we today? Did we put our shoes on the correct feet and wipe all the drool off our faces before heading outside to plant turnips and whup our kids? Good, good.
Now go find a Democrat to help you read the rest of this post. I’ll try not to use words that are too big or fancy but if you come across something you don’t understand, your Democrat friend is right there to explain everything.
I’ve been concerned ever since I ran the reader poll that showed me that 95% of you are ignorant racists with sexual inadequacies. The world told you what to do but you won’t listen and I guess that’s because you’re just too dumb to know how dumb you are.
I got this about a year ago on a mailing list. It’s very weird, and I think it’s hilarious. Enjoy!
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
If you haven’t seen Office Space, you won’t get it. Sorry. (And if you haven’t, rent it. Now! It’s one of those movies you watch over and over and over again, and it’s as funny the thousandth time you’ve seen it as it was the first.)
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get
into:
______Law School
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy
of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will
disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points.
______not explained in sufficient detail.
______too boring.
______all jokes and not enough material.
______all of the above.
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry.
______too late, I was tired.
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
Does anybody here remember Amanda “Godbags” Marcotte? Like Franken, when word of her vile “contributions” to the nation’s political conversation gained widespread attention, she too played the “satire” card. Because, being morons, after all, we conservalibertaricans are obviously not nuanced enough to understand the subtleties of bashing the Virgin birth any more than we can understand the layers of complex thinking that led to Franken’s production of the “Porn-O-Rama” article.
discussing this, where the liberal Washington Post effectively demonstrates that Al Franken is the David Caruso of satire.
Right Wing Nation » See? Just Ask Me.: said Obama was too pompous and impressed with himself to apologize. And after Obama stuck his great big foot all the way down his gullet the other day,
Right Wing Nation » That's That: “Eh, not so much” becomes “Hell, no.” Although she is 60 and unlikely to have another shot at the White House, Clinton is apparently concerned that she would appear ungenerous to the Republicans’ first female vice-presidential candidate if she were to go after her.
Right Wing Nation » Like I Said: very savvy — and it’s working. Turn the sound down before you watch this clip. Allahpundit calls it roaring. That’s pretty accurate.
