Right Wing Nation

This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

Marta is a UACJOB (University-Affiliated Creature with Jell-O for Brains, pronounced “wackjob”). Marta is in her fifties, about 5′3″, between 200 and 250 pounds, and believes that it is her feminist duty to fight oppression (looskism, you know, or would that be sizeism?) by wearing spandex to work. As little spandex as she can wear without breaking the law.

Marta, like so many UACJOBs, is a “free spirit” (did I mention that she gets an additional proxy vote because she’s a lesbian?) Marta has made many contributions to the diverse university community, so many that I can only here relate a few.

First, though, a short conversation so you can journey into the strange irreal world of the UACJOB mind.

Marta: “I’m going to ask my gym teacher why she oppressed me!”

Me: “How?”

Marta: “She made us wear those gym uniforms! They were uncomfortable! Men designed them to oppress women!”

(Okay, I should have misspelled “women” here, but I can’t bring myself to sink to the depths of PC illiteracy.)

Another UACJOB is Gerri. Gerri was the director of one of those postmodernist hyphenated “studies” programs ( you know, like Three-headed Transgendered Conjoined Twins of Color Studies). Gerri attracted attention when she declared on a faculty mailing list that, “All white men are rapists!”

What’s really illustrative of the UACJOB mindset, however, is not Gerri’s idiocy, but the reaction she got. Other UACJOB faculty wondered why only all white men were rapists; they did not, apparently, feel there was anything out of line with the men=rapists part.

Her response? If she accused black, er, African-American men of being rapists, it would invite hate speech, and anyway, it would be “insensitive” to African-American culture.

Then there’s Tina, another UACJOB, education faculty. She has a large Castro poster on her office door. Her doctoral seminar (did you catch those last two words?) consists of numerous activities, such as writing a paragraph describing how you feel about your name and sharing your feeling with your group. Your group then tells you, one at a time, how they feel about the way you feel about your name, and finally, you tell the group how you feel about how they feel about how you feel about your name. You then choose the color of marker that best describes your feelings about your name now that your feelings have been enriched by the feelings about your feelings from your group, and write your name on a card you place in front of you. This proceeds around the group until everybody has a nice colored name card.

She also has an activity where everybody talks about why America is an evil, genocidal, imperialist nation. This is one of her favorites.

So why write about these UACJOBs? Well, it’s all very well to focus on Ward Churchill, but you don’t really get an accurate picture of these peoples’ utter insanity, and what utter crap they come up with. And though students are exposed to this in the classroom, UACJOBs often restrain themselves to some extent, so even students don’t realize what nutcases these people are.

I’m going to try to correct that. And with that, I conclude the first of the UACJOB Chronicles.

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